My story

I was asked about the reason of therapy; I hesitated for a moment and summarized that I had relationship problems; nothing farther from the truth. Of course I was having marital problems, but the reason for them comes from early in my life. Come to think of it, it is almost the same with everybody, those early years… the culprit!

I was born the last of three children (before my youngest brother was born when I was 20) and the only girl, we are only one year apart and I was my father’s favorite; I paid for that dearly with my oldest brother’s hatred, my middle brother’s indifference and my Mother’s obsession to make it up to them.

My parents had a good marriage and tried to do the best that they could; needless to say they did not see what was happening, and still today; when I talk to my Mother about it, she breaks up in tears and repeats over and over again what a good Mother she was or tried to be at least. My father was beyond strict and would not allow me to attend dances when I was a teenager, much less have a boyfriend, all this with my Mother’s full support. I got pregnant when I was 20 and got married right away, I could not wait to get out of the house to start a new and wonderful life.

My husband and I were just a couple of kids playing house and before 3 years passed he was having an affair with a family friend, the story there is rather entertaining but I will not go into it today. We got divorced after 4 years of marriage and I was left with one baby and no income; I decided not to go back to my parents “defeated” as I saw it back then, and decided to prove to the world (my parents mainly) that I could make it on my own. I looked for a job and enrolled at University to get my BA. A family friend first and my mother after helped me to take care of Vicky, she was a great baby and made it easy, I would take her to school sometimes and she became kind of the school “pet”. We had a non traditional mother-daughter relationship due to my lack of maturity, so we saw each other like friends/sisters, it seemed cool then, but it was not the most constructive way to educate her.

With work, school and Vicky, I did not have time for a committed relationship so I only had casual and short-lived relationships, “saw” my ex-husband every now and then (sick really) and graduated. As soon as a finished school, actually before I got my degree, I met my current husband; we fell in love and could not wait to get married. This time I was not expecting the happy ever after, I have evolved a lot but still carry many of the problems from before, which is the reason for therapy now! Sometimes I feel sorry for my husband to have to deal with problems created before his time, and then I remember… I am doing the very same thing for him, we all have a past.

He is always right, or is he?

Have you met/lived with someone who is always right? My husband reads a lot, and by a lot I mean he reads all the time, sickening really; additionally he is curious and always is observing and asking questions. Well, needless to say; because of the amount of information that he possesses, he is pretty much used to the reality and sometimes perception that he is always right. It is really annoying! Because he is not infallible, I just wish he knew so he could stop

Happy weekend

Had a great weekend!

It was the follow up of my Husband’s b-day and we had excuses to celebrate. For starters the dinner on Friday couldn’t have been better. The owner of this French restaurant that we like; waited on us like royalty and we had a blast. On Saturday we had family over to cut the cake once again! (The third time for my husband) and we had a lovely time. The house was noisy and a mess, just the way I like it. The bad note of the day was that my husband drove home drunk, he fell just before he got into the house, so I guess the spell is working; only the next time is going to be worse.

On Sunday we drove to Ensenada and it was breathtaking, our kids in the back and my husband and I conversing without any worries. They joined me to go to a service for a girl at work who died; it was pretty dramatic but yesterday was a chance to process part of it; having my family by my side made me grateful and warm inside.

El Cumple de mi marido

Es el cumpleaños de mi marido y desgraciadamente para mi "he has a free pass" . Así que no puedo desahogarme y hablar de lo mal que se porto ayer. Solo puedo decir que después de tantos años; lo amo mas que nunca, ha sido un Marido y un Padre extraordinario. Me ha hecho sentir plena como mujer; me ha convertido en Madre y ha sido mi compañero ideal. Le doy gracias a Dios por haberlo puesto en mi camino y por el amor que tenemos el honor de profesar día a día, especialmente los días que no somos perfectos y que alguno de los dos tiene "un free pass".

Un dia extrano

Después del extraño desarrollo de mi inverosímil vida profesional, voy al médico y me dice que necesito un electrocardiograma y un perfil tiroideo; bueno, esperemos que todo esto sea para dejarme mejor que como estaba; aunque tengo un dolor de cabeza que no me gusta (¿relación mente-cuerpo?), en fin, a nadie le gusta hablar de dolencias y esas cosas.

Un día complicado emocionalmente, pero creo que al final muy positivo. Tuve una interesante platica con Vicky mi hija adulta, acerca de su nuevo papel en casa; las cosas se pusieron emotivas pero creo que el resultado es bastante bueno, sobre todo tomando en cuenta que lloró, lloré, lloramos. Quedamos en un arreglo creo justo para ella y para nosotros; empezara a trabajar y contribuirá al hogar con "gasto" más simbólico que otra cosa, pero un muy buen comienzo pienso yo.

En una anécdota interesante: el día de hoy el dueño de una empresa recibió un e-mail anónimo hablando las peores cosas de un gerente; cuando el lo comunicó a sus subordinados, todos quedaron atónitos; en realidad pudiera ser cualquiera, ¿no creen?

It gets better

Go figure, after my humongous mishap at work last week, not only was I not fired. Today my boss called me to his office: Maria, can you come to my office please (dear God, he finally realizes what a mess I made...). My heart was pounding as I was repeating to my self: "I only care about my opinion, nobody controls me”, and I repeated this about 10 times. When I got there he offered me coffee or water I said no, thank you, needles to say in the middle of the conversation I ran for water. I would lie if I said that he was full of compliments, but he said: You have proved yourself worthy of this company, therefore we will start procedures to arrange your immigration in US, for you and your family, Dilbert would have a blast with this story (though I'm not sure that I would be pictured in my best light).

Therapy

What an exhausting day!!

It started off very relaxing with my Boss’s indifference to the mess that I created, and here comes therapy to make it interesting enough to leave me without energy for the rest of the day.

My walk with Mediana was as pleasant as always, reveling a new side of her that is almost off limits to me, she is a quiet girl, very sweet and very sensitive to everything around her; she is dealing with a lot of peer pressure, trying to resist and getting seduced at times by the “things” that we as parents keep telling her are worthless (clothes, toys, games, etc). It is indeed a very tough world and I just hope that we are enough to help her to balance the whole thing. Sometimes I pretend not to be in shock at the things that she tells me about her friends, how they treat their parents and what they do in the internet. It is very scary.

Therapy was difficult. Erick had this great idea of working with these plastic figures that symbolize my “family system”; I still am amazed at my reaction to see the figures in the floor; the way that I arrange them and re-arrange them makes me cry like a little girl, all this crying lately is very strange; since in the past I only cried when a pinched a finger or something like that (is there anything there?…).

I was going to share the part of my grown daughter trying to stay a little girl forever but that would be too much for everybody, enough with the drama!!

I went to be bed exhausted and with a headache. But I know is all for the better at the end.

Life is unpredictable

Here I was dying for the expectation of my boss coming back to work and letting me have it for all the mess that I created last week; and it turns out that he could not care less, actually he was in a very good mood, life is crazy. So here I am very happy and relieved!!

My detox diet is over and I do not think that I will be doing it again any time soon. I expected all these changes and really, it is almost a disappointment, on the other hand it didn’t hurt.

My big concern today is going to therapy and having very little to report; I still can not grasp the idea of how “feelings” feel like, what to name them and how to separate one from the other. It is not that I don’t feel, sometimes I feel a little too much for my taste; it’s the identification, analysis and description that puzzle me. I am stuck and I feel like Erick (my therapist) is going to flunk me (maybe there something here…).

Anyway the highlight of today is that I am walking to therapy (50 min) with Mediana and that is a piece of heaven that I don’t change for anything, I like her very much!

Papaya, Papaya, Papaya

I got lazy today so what the heck; lets do this in English.

I don't think I have ever eaten so much fruit at the same time, hopefully it will work and my intestines will be as clean as can be. I'm just a little bit sorry about all the water that I been wasting going to the loo so often.

I had plans for today but it turns out that everything that I wanted to do, won't be doing after all:

a) Buy present for Hubby (tomorrow for sure)
b) Talk to my family about respecting rules in my house ej. "no smoking" or eating my favorite chocolates. I have decided is too sore a subject to touch today (chicken!!!)
c) Walk ( I walk 1 1/2 hrs every day) tomorrow


The only thing that I did is color my hair, that was nice, I like the color (chocolate) looks pretty.

I also have decided not to feel guilty about it, I have earned this right for all my suffering at work last week (and probably next, when my boss comes back, irrkkk). After all, my husband thinks that I am good at deciding, he never said doing, hehehe.

Lets wait and see how the day presents it self, let fate decide (isn't that the way it works?)

For now I will drink my juices and go to the loo, relax and sleep.

A day in hell

Han tenido uno de esos días que son malos al empezar y van empeorando cada segundo? Hasta completar una gran gran cacota? Bueno, yo lo he tenido hoy.

En la chamba implemente un bono que no me gusto desde el principio (pero poco importa mi opinión, je je je) esa responsabilidad me la quito; todo lo demás lo asumo porque es mio y de nadie mas. Para acabarla, ese bono se pagaba esta semana y fui a explicárselo a todo mundo (muy mal explicado resulta ser) y resulta que... la mayoría no saco el bono, si no fuera tan trágico me estaría riendo a carcajadas. Mi jefe de viaje y el Gerente de Producción que por cierto es una víbora con patas pues hizo su agosto con mi pobre y devaluada reputación, porque a parte para lucirme mas se me ocurrió irme a una junta en la mañana y deje "la víbora chillando"; el le comunico a mi jefe que yo andaba en mi junta y la gente como loca. No cabe duda que a veces no rebuznamos porque no nos sabemos la tonada. En fin, el hecho de saber todas las metidas de pata mías de alguna manera alivia mi dolor, de perdida no soy víctima de nadie, solo de mi propio descuido; espero capitalizar toda esta miseria y maliciarla para la próxima.

Al menos mi malestar me da la posibilidad de ser "consentida" por mi familia; estoy en el sillón con un rico capuchino preparado por mi Marido que no deja de reconfortarme y decirme que me ama (aunque sea medio bruta a ratos o por todo un día completo).

La nota buena del día de hoy es que mi hija desistió de las pastillas que le había recetado un medico para bajar de peso, ya saben de esas "pastillas naturales" que no hacen daño. Dice que lo pensó y mejor se va al gimnasio, bien por ella!

Yo mañana empiezo mi desintoxicación, 6 kilos de papaya en un día!! ojala valga la pena, ya lo estaré reportando.

Parece que este día termina mucho mejor de como empezó. Gracias a Dios!

Cuello torcido

Estamos casi al final del día; no aguanto el cuello, sin embargo, agradezco la pesadez del trabajo y el hecho de sentir que estoy viva y SIENTO. Este experimento de Sentir los sentimientos (si, estoy en terapia) es tan desconcertante como extraño. No hay nada como descansar en la comodidad de tu hogar después de un día particularmente "pesado", creo que es cuando mas disfrutas a tu familia y valoras el hecho de estar rodeada de tanto amor (si, en serio).

Ultimamente estoy escuchando un poco el show de "Dr. Laura", una tipa mas conservadora que interesante pero tiene algo que decir, sobretodo acerca del valor del cuidado de la familia, concurro con ella que al Marido hay que amarlo, besarlo y enamorarlo todos los días; aunque en ciertas ocasiones (cuando sale con sus manías...) es particularmente complicado por no decir que encabronadamente difícil, pero a fin de cuentas vale la pena a 1 por 1000. Que quieren estoy enamorada de este tipo. Creo que el cuidado de la familia empieza con amar a la pareja, el resto se da mas facilito y como dicen "por añadidura"

Así que creo que con cuello torcido y todo, ha sido un buen día y mi Marido lo hace 1000 veces mejor.